Sports news for people who have no interest in sport

All my life I've woken up to the Today Programme on BBC Radio 4. At around 27 minutes past the hour comes the sports news. I have precisely no interest in this feature and often use it as the time to put the kettle on or otherwise do something that means I can't hear the radio. When I do hear it, I hear a succession of football managers talking about how their team will, or why their team didn't win, this and that league, champion this, crucial fixture and all the rest of it. None of it means anything to me and in general I find the sound of people talking about sport internimable. I wish I didn't - I know most people get huge enjoyment out of it.

Anyway, with apologies to Gary Richardon, Rob Bonnet and Karthi Gnanasegaram, whose work is appreciated by millions, I thought I'd try and record what I actually hear when the sports news is on.

I can only (slightly mis-) quote the great Sandi Toksvig on this one: it's not that I don't remember the detail, it's that I don't care. In case you want it, the script is below.

The main news this morning is last night’s defeat for Pep Guardiola in the Champions League against Arsenal when Liverpool came from behind to score a 3-1 victory over the away side and so moves on to the semi final where the tourists were 178 all out at the Wacker. In the Championship Pep Guardiola has it all to do now that Johanna Khonta is the sole surviving British interest. She goes through to the tie break against Mark Selby with last year’s league winners Arsenal, and Rory Mcilroy is feeling under par now that Pep Guardiola has decided to sack the manager just before the closure of the transfer window. With Leicester back on form in an hour’s time we’ll be talking about exactly the same line up of sports stars but in a different order. I leave you with the racing tips – in the 2.25 at Uttoxeter we’re going for Saracens and in the 3.30 at Kempton: Pep Guardiola.