Tequila Christmas Cake

Ingredients

• 1 cup sugar
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1 cup water
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 cup brown sugar
• Lemon juice
• 4 large eggs
• Nuts
• 1 bottle tequila
• 2 cups dried fruit

Method

Sample a cup of tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat…

Acknowledgements

I cannot claim originality for this. Actually I got it from a friend who got it from a friend and I see it's been around for a while. If you wrote this originally, then I raise a glass of tequila in your honour.

I was asked to read it out at our book group meeting, which I found very hard - I couldn't get through it without corpsing even on a second attempt. It reminds me of other things I like to read aloud at Christmas: John Julis Norwich's Twelve Days of Christmas (the thank you letters); AA Milne's story of King John's India Rubber Ball and A visit from St Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore, better known by its first line 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.